In Restless Dreams
by The Sugarfaerie
Summary: It's the final battle, and Nymphadora Tonks begins to have her doubts. It's the end, after all. Written in response to a challenge.


This is my entry for the 'Fireplace' challenge. It's also a companion to my Andromeda character study, _Exit Music, _though it's in no way necessary to have read that one first. This is also one of my rare forays into writing first person, so apologies if it seems somewhat odd.

In Restless Dreams 

Sometimes I dreamt I could have anything I wanted. Silly, isn't? It sounds like something a child would say. I dreamt I had a pony. I dreamt that I could fly. Silly, childish things. Doesn't stop anyone from wanting them, though.

I dreamt I could have you. It was foolish of me, Remus, I know. Selfish, even, when I made my feelings known to you. The shameless devotions whispered into your ear on only mildly drunken breath. My fingers dancing across yours at the table, not even trying to hide it. Waiting desperately for news at night, chewing my sheet corner in a way I hadn't done since Mum called me 'baby'.

Did I think about the danger we were both in, every hour? Did I stop to consider that we might be dead any minute, romance or no? Of course I didn't, Remus, I don't know why you keep asking me. I only wanted to love you. Didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time. A glimmer of hope in the black, something to believe in. Name all the clichés in the world and I would have cited them as evidence, muttering them with my dying breath, as if that wasn't clichéd enough.

"_Hold my hand, Remus."_

"_Dora?"_

"_I need to know you're there. Please, don't let this be a dream."_

I had everything I wanted, and still I walked alone. I never did have my fairytale romance, love hearts and daisies and happily-ever-afters. When I think about it now, I realise we should have waited. Played at love for a while, to see if we had anything worth keeping. But life is short, as the cliché goes, and there's no time for ifs and maybes and might-have-been. Sometimes you've got to ignore the risks in the vain hope that you can have it all before the veil calls you home.

"What do you want?" 

"_Everything."_

Funny thing is, Remus, I never believed in my own death. I saw others fall, attended dozens of funerals, brought bad tidings to countless grieving families. I never thought I would be on the receiving end of the hushed voices, the comforting smile, the useless consolation that it happened so quickly, he didn't feel a thing. Death just wasn't something that happened to me.

We regret to inform you… 

"_Ted! No, it isn't true, it can't be…"_

"_Mum, what's going on? Where's Dad?"_

The day my father died, it rained. Just poured down, Remus, like I'd never seen. My mother collapsed in the kitchen when she heard the news, clutching her chest while she screamed in an agony I'd never seen, not from her. Her face was contorted in her grief, grotesque, almost, until I could no longer bear to stay in a house that shook with so much pain. Drops of water lashed across my face like icy bullets as I stumbled outside, numbing me. I couldn't bring myself to cry. Hell, I'm an Auror; death reports are part of my business. I should be used to it by now.

The rain soaked into me. Tears by proxy. I looked to the sky and it glared back at me, indifferent, like my father had never been.

"Dora, is…" 

"_Just leave me, Remus! Leave me alone… No. Come back. Just hold my hand."_

So, here we are, Remus, at the end of the world. I thought it would be louder. By rights, the scene should be symbolic, poetic almost. Full of heroes and villains waxing lyrical at each other about honour and glory. Not this deadly quiet. But this is our moment, Remus, and we must do our best, I suppose. No more running. No more apologies for doing the unthinkable and falling in love. We've come to far to turn back, as much as we might have wanted to do things differently and save our skins, forgotten our love so we could live awhile. It ends now. It all ends now.

"_Hold my hand, Remus. Hold my hand and don't let go."_

If I had known it would end like this, I never would have told you.


End file.
